Just a feeling

Being on dialysis for me has been a roller coaster of emotions. Some days I am very angry, some days I am sad and some days I am forever grateful. Today is a grateful day. I am so grateful that there is such a thing as dialysis. Otherwise, I would be dead. And that thought is so alarming. I mean, we are all a heartbeat away from death. We could all be in a fatal car accident or suddenly get really sick or have a freak accident but we usually don't dwell on those thoughts. But for me, every night I "hook up" to my dialysis machine, I think, "wow, I HAVE to do this. If I suddenly stopped, I would die in a week or two." I doubt I would last much longer than that. That is such an "in your face" kinda thought that makes me, every single day, be aware of the fragility of life and how close to death I could be. So, I am grateful for that machine.

Feeling this way comes with so many thoughts. And they are only thoughts that I can stand to entertain for brief periods because some thoughts should not be entertained very long. For example, I hate when the "why me thought" enters my head. I have come a long way and don't think about that much but from time to time it creeps in. The one thought that I am most ashamed of is when I see others abusing their bodies and I wonder, why do they get to do bad things to themselves and their organs keep working? I didn't drink, do drugs or eat excessively unhealthy, and for whatever reason, my kidneys quit. I am in NO way wishing this on anybody else or saying someone deserves something over someone else. And I feel guilty for even questioning it in the first place. But with two years of thinking I have come to the realization that I have kidney failure because it was my fate. Nobody did this to me and I didn't do it to myself. Just my fate. And i am okay with that. I believe in God and I know He did not do this to me. He has a plan for me and my plan had this part of my life in it. I also believe He has a plan for a new kidney for me. I don't know when it will be possible but I truly feel that this is the year. I have a potential donor and she gives me strength to keep fighting because she is opening a door for me. Being an organ donor is a big deal. And the thought that someone not related to me is so willing to give me a body part out of the kindness of their heart is mind blowing, all inspiring and I am beyond grateful. It's not like I am asking to borrow a cup of sugar or anything. And the fact I didn't even ask her....she just offered. I can only thank God for having placed her in my path 10+ years ago. So, I just feel like I am getting close.

I think often of the day it will happen. I can't wait to make the drive to Iowa. I can't wait to say my last prayer as a dialysis patient, right before I go under. I can't wait to be prepped for surgery and have the surgeon or anesthesiologist tell me to start counting backwards from 10. And then to wake up afterwards and hear the news, It worked!!! It makes me cry now just dreaming of it. I can only imagine how wonderful it will be. It will be like being born again.....only being 30 years older and remembering it!

So, I felt like sharing these feelings on a good day. I feel like I have evolved as a person since the beginning of kidney failure. I am a lot less angry than when I even started the blog. In fact, I am not very angry about it very often at all. I have too much to be thankful for: my Madeline, my Chris, my family and friends, my life, my machine,my job, my house, I could go on and on. And someday my kidney!