Life On Hold

Still waiting on a big decision. I am trying to be patient but the worry has really gotten me down. I know God has a plan and that His plan is best but taking that advice from myself and putting it into application is very hard. I know no matter what the ultimate decision is, I will eventually get a kidney. For now though, it feels like my life is on hold. I am usually so excited about Valentine's Day but not this year. I am doing the best I can to make it special for Madeline and because I feel so anxious, I probably have done above and beyond for her. I always worry how my feelings are affecting her and Chris. I try to shelter her from as much of the reality as possible but truth be told, she is very smart and picks up on it quick. I just pray those that have the power to make the biggest decision of my life can put themselves in my shoes. I think the last two weeks have been the hardest in two years. Knowing that I have a willing and matched donor and may not get to have it, is killing me. I am praying for strength to get me through the next couple of days until a decision is made. It feels better to get these words out of my head. I have been an open book through out this entire experience so to admit that I may be mildly depressed at this point does not bother me. I think it is the "not knowing" what is going to happen that is the hardest. Once I hear, yes you are approved, a tremendous burden will be lifted and I can get on with life. It is crazy how you can get stuck in life.....I just want a kidney and to live a normal life. I have such good family and friends around me to support me. Hopefully in a few days, I will post that the drug got approved and we will be moving forward with transplant. Life will have to go on either way...I am really praying and trying to stay optimistic for good news. I will forever be grateful for Lindsey who has made all of this possible in the first place!

It is so much easier to give other people this advice, but being on the receiving end of it is really hard!