Blue...

I think this blog is more therapeutic than informative at times but today I am using it to vent. I am so blue and sad and depressed. I hate peritoneal dialysis and I hate hemodialysis. At least with hemodialysis my house wasn't crowded up with all of these boxes and bags of solution. And when I was sick, people usually paid attention. Being on home dialysis has its "perks" but I feel so alone. Like I am the only one taking care of me. I am strongly considering going back to hemodialysis for the last two months leading up to transplant. I am going to think about it and weigh my options but if things keep on like they are right now, I won't make it for two more months. Right now, that feels like an eternity. For those of you who understand dialysis lingo, I am going to put on two red bags tonight to try to get this fluid off. If it doesn't come off, then I might go back to hemo.....just not in this town. It is so sad that we live in a place where it is hard to find good medical care. I cannot wait till the day I do not have to rely on them so much. The more you have to rely on someone, the more likely they are going to let you down. And anyone who knows me knows I am not a pessimistic person but the world of dialysis has skewed my view of the world (medically) to some degree. All I know is this, I feel like poop. And I don't have time to feel like poop. I have a 5 year old and a husband who need me and I have a job, which I love and am so blessed to have, that needs me. So whoever can fix me needs to do so ASAP. Because two months is a long time when you are waiting on getting your life back. And it's not just me affected. Everyone around me suffers too! Do they not teach this kind of stuff in medical school? There needs to be a class on treating the patient like a human being. My animals get better care at the Vet! Yeah, I said that!