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Thursday, April 14, 2011
Not Mom of the Year
Out of all of my roles I miss the most, it would be mom. Sure, I still get to do lots of things with her but not to the degree I am happy with. She is such a happy child and I know seeing her mommy sick is going to mold and shape a big part of who she becomes. She already tells me she wants to be a doctor when she grows up. Her words exactly, "I want to be a good doctor when I grow up!" My 5 year old, sadly already knows there is a difference in the quality of doctors. I feel like seeing m sick has taken some of her innocence away. And I hate that I can't be there for her...as much as I would like. For example, it is 7:00pm here on a beautiful spring evening. Madeline and about 5 of her friends are outside playing with Chris and where am I? Stuck to my dialysis machine. I know I am having a pity party. There are many moms who are much sicker than me and can't do anything for their children...but it's all so unfair. I didn't have a child to not raise her. I want to be involved in every aspect of her life. This week I have sucked! I forgot to dress her up for spring pictures and had to miss a field trip today because of all of my medical issues. And it gets worse! I haven't even been able to eat lunch with my child once this year. I hope someday she can look back and not have resentment towards me. But I know how important all of the little things are. Every second with her is a precious gift from God. She is a precious gift from God. Maybe if I feel good tomorrow, she can play hookie and we can have a mommy and Madeline day. I think I need it more than her, truth be told!